obligatory year end 2022-by-the-numbers-and-other-stuff note: stilettos and broken bottles

can you believe I've never been on Cascade Mountain before?  it's amazing what you can miss when you keep staring off into the distance and trying to escape your present.  or something like that.  (but seriously, i've never seen banff/minnewanka from this perspective and this was trippy as fuck.)

(a little context for my new readers this year: for the last couple of years i've been aggregating unused thoughts that didn't make it into my race reports into a year-end catharsis.  most of these are ideas or discussions i had in a potentially-hallucinogenic stupor around mi75, but some of these are thoughts i had in a definitely-drunken stupor 13h into an aid station shift. 

and you know what?  a lot of this shit is retrospective yelling at clouds, actually.  i'm not a big believer in post-publication edits beyond grammar/spelling nitpicks, because that way i can see how this sweet summer child grows up.  so yes, a lot of this will contradict what i wrote earlier in the year.  i hope you enjoy this stream of consciousness as much as I do when I am inevitably incapacitated with the man-cold or something and yearn for the glory days.)

• if there's any one thing i learned from this batshit insane year, it's how to be content.  or, simply put - taking a pause in feeling inadequate.
• that just because no one acknowledges your experience or can relate to any of your story, that doesn't give you the right to ignore what your body is telling you. 
• that you can't ignore that shit forever; it'll catch up eventually.  whether it be just before mi60 at engineer pass or on some random training run you've done eleventy bajillion times before - the body keeps score.
• that just because your closest buds and loved ones find your story completely unrelatable - that doesn't invalidate what you're feeling.  the pain is very real and needs to be mitigated. 
  
• i also found out that you can actually get sick of ramen if you hang out at enough aid stations within a month.  there literally is a saturation point of too much ramen (and MSG?).
  
• another thing i learned is that Glastonbury doesn't happen every single year, as the village has a "fallow year" every so often to take a fucking breather (but also, as the name suggests, allow the land for a proper recovery).  
• It's been nine years since I've started running on trails, and this body had seen some shit.  while i'm not quite ready for a full Shmita-esque sabbatical from running - I definitely think I'll be returning to some more pedestrian adventures in the near term for me to work on a few things.
• I caught COVID at Hardrock.  
• I don't know if it was fate because one of my biggest fears during the last two years was racing at altitude with post-COVID lungs, but the powers that be didn't let that happen until midway through the race.
• I still don't feel 100%.  maybe it's because of the nature of my race season this year, but something just doesn't feel right. 
  
• i'm definitely in this weird limbo where i don't know what to do next.  my bucket list is completely clear at the moment and i feel like i'm sitting on a decision node.  do i step up beyond hunnderds as it's the next logical step?  or do i address my gait and step up to a different kind of 200 while my body catches up?  or do i just say 'fuck all this' and go back to pounding pavement?
• next year will mark five years since I've been in Norway, and that's way too long.
• and eight years since I've been back to Hong Kong, but I'm ok with that.
• i lied though.  i did throw my name back into the Western and Hardrock lotteries this year (to no avail) just because I could.  but I definitely won't be intentionally chasing qualifiers anymore.
• Hardrock in the opposite direction looks faster too. 
  
• i swear to god, if you tell me to go for Barkley, I will punch you in the face.

by the numbers:

• distance run: 4620.62km
  
• elevation gained: 122462m
• distance biked: 1143.33km
  
• elevation gained: 9696m
  
• distance classic skied: 158.76km
  
• elevation gained: 2936m
  
• distance skate skied: 22.19km
  
• elevation gained: 226m
  

ultra races run:

1. Western States 100mi (25 June)
   
2. Hardrock 100mi (15 July)
   
3. Steep 100k (3 Sept)
   

currently committed 2023 schedule:

1. Cocodona 250mi, May 1-6
   

last year's new year's resolutions:

1. exit the never-ever pools at WSER and HR without DNF'ing.  done
   
2. more adventures on my bike, but ideally after the above is done.  i didn't ride any new routes this year, but with only one race on the docket this year I should be able to revisit this. 
   
3. avoid the hypervigilance.  yes it makes me good at what i do but it's extremely tiring.  this is ongoing, but backing away from races with a sense of urgency should help.  

 this year's new year's resolutions:

1. no races beyond may.  more adventures on my bike, on foot, and just things with zero urgency or demand.  
1. ghost the ghost of the gravel race, but in full fastpack mode.
   
2. pace and crew for people.  pay it back. 
   

"you are afraid of surrender because you don't want to lose control. But you never had control; all you had was anxiety." 

--Liz Gilbert