in years gone past, this would have been a bunch of 'cutting room' thoughts and ideas left over from race reports that never made it to publication (ha!). i didn't run a single race this year (assuming you're not counting a 3k relay race leg), so here's a couple reflections on the dumpster fire of a year we all had. i hope you enjoy it.
- i turned 30 this year. yes, i am a child of the 90s. thanks to a timely pandemic, this wasn't characterized by pomp and ceremony but rather a prolonged period for me to reflect on where my life is headed, but more importantly--things that validate my existence, and things that shouldn't.
- running at a high calibre requires and incredible amount of selfishness because it demands your regular volume, weight training time, massage time, stretching time, rage yoga time, drunk yoga time, and physio time. but the unpredictable other things that can throw a wrench into this provides a healthy dose of perspective--that this is just a hobby and not what actually makes me happiest in my life.
- i've lost a lot of my alpine and endurance fitness to bike commuting and skinny skiing. if i was told i'd be running hardrock next july, i'd be fucking panicking. and that's perfectly fine.
- If you've been a longtime reader, I'm sure you've realized there is something very wrong with my head. And there is. all it took was a pandemic with zero races for me to realize that I don't really feel anything during running, or.......most things, for that matter. through a variety of reasons driven by a tragicomic upbringing and propagated by subsequent unfortunate events, i find it incredibly difficult and/or exhausting to
- celebrate things
- appreciate the little things
- feel loved, regardless of the intent of others
- describe how i'm feeling (hey i know how this story ends!)
- think of happiness as something that isn't a narcissistic impulse
- empathize
- self-validate
- you still have to play the cards you're dealt, so yes i'm seeing a [new] head doctor that is treating me for BPD. but also, in a crazy big step for me--with regards to that last bullet, i discontinued my facebook life as i realize i had placed an undue reliance on it for perceived feedback.
- of course none of this would be a problem if i was a hermit and i could just survive on my own, but that would be infinitely more mundane.
- things that happened during my 30th year on this world--
- constantly calculating whether patience or impatience has cost me more in life
- questioning whether a friendship is circumstantial or otherwise, and recognizing the difference between those who have free time for me and those that make free time for me
- kept telling myself that an insatiable craving for adventure is highly indicative of a boring daily life, and maybe i should focus on dealing with the latter first
- approaching anxiety with love. mine, whoever's--doesn't matter.
- fighting the impulse to compare fitness
- pyrrhonistic terms, such as
- epoché, the suspension of judgement/withholding of assent
- ataraxia, the freedom from distress and worry but really the ideal mental state prior to doing something incredibly stupid. usually induced by the previous
- discovered that the best life to be lived doesn't necessarily need to be shared or subject to someone else's attention.
- the only thing keeping my facebook account alive is for 2FA and the fact i have my credentials tied to a lot of spotify playlists. and at some point, i will summon up the courage to lose some of my 200+ song playlists. but what matters is that i feel that i'm no longerg obligated to post anything or update anyone on my existence, which is incredibly liberating.
- Much like Franklin Diner on Route 23 in Sussex County, this is going to be a fucking amazing time capsule but a reminder of a sometimes-false life lived.
- this was the year i started doing black diamond XC hills. and it was after i started leading the downhills that yes, while my pucker tolerance had developed, i was having less fun. the last one down's always having the most fun.
- commensurately, it's not always more virtuous to bag a summit than to skip along the urban bluffs.
- comedy requires community perspective. this has made running in gales/squalls much more hilarious but less of a sufferfest. which is mildly applicable in life.
by the numbers:
- distance run: 3923.5km
- elevation gained: 83,128m
- distance biked: 2546.3km
- elevation gained: 22,405m
- distance skied: 520.24km
- elevation gained: 10,020m
- active pairs of shoes at year end (vs. 2020):
- at work: 4 (-2)
- at home: 5(-2)
- with Sheila: 2 (-2)
ultra races run:
- none
summit list (new ones in italics):
- Sulphur Mountain (AB)
- Prairie Mountain (AB)
- Powderface Ridge (AB)
- Amber Mountain (AB)
- Pocaterra Ridge (AB)
currently committed 2021 event schedule:
last year's new year's resolutions:
- cap my running below 5000kms on the year: done! didn't even hit 4000km thanks to a bunch of other sports showing up.
- unless someone requests i do it--only run new trails in the summer this year. which means old favorites like Northover, Rockwall, Iceline will be relegated to the cupboard but this will hopefully broaden my horizon of my backyard. Well, I didn't run Northover or Iceline because no one asked me to.
- substantially more volunteer gigs. kinda tough with a muted race season, but i did my best with whatever road races were still going on.
- live with intention.
- i dunno, finish Hardrock if it happens?
- run around Berg Lake
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