obligatory year end 2021-by-the-numbers-and-other-stuff note: maladaptive daydreams

in years gone past, this would have been a bunch of 'cutting room' thoughts and ideas left over from race reports that never made it to publication, as well as other musings from heckling friends while working aid stations.  i had a few volly gigs but i've only run one race this year, so let's just say i'm still kinda short on material for this year.  nevertheless, here's a bunch of stream-of-consciousness ideas that never found relevance in my other post for 2021.  

despite this being a running blog, none of these chicks are in running gear.  

• one of my colleagues' kids commented over dinner this year that i was really just a giant kid.  (a man-child, if you will.)  which had me wondering, what does it mean to grow up?  like, holistically?  
• (yes i know i answered this question already.  answers to this question change when people grow up.  so meta, right?!)
• previously i was under the school of thought that kids were kids when they didn't fully understand and appreciate the consequences of their actions.  innocence was marked by carefree choices founded on reckless decision making, because we didn't know better.  it's not that we were apathetic - but we were definitely ignorant of our effects on others.  
• while i still hold the above to be true, i think at some point we also gain the ability to finally tell the difference between what's merely a toxic distraction, and what underlying causes brings us genuine happiness.  and we act accordingly.  
• i wouldn't say 'finally' actually - as 'woo' as it sounds, i feel like this we're all on a lifelong journey of discovery.  because every so often, we discover something that brought us joy for so long has actually been a crutch for a disempowering addiction to chaos.  
• living an incredibly siloed life for the last 21 months has helped with categorizing these items.
• in a really big step for me, i nuked my Strava account a few weeks into the year.  
• there are now exactly five people in the world who can now see all my activities when i upload them, of which only two of who live in the same city as I do.  
• it's not that i desire privacy or am now socially withdrawn - but for the longest time i realized i was chasing external feedback/validation on everything i did.  all i feel now is clarity, agency and ownership when it comes to if i'm sports-ing good or otherwise.  
• if anything, i had my first podcast shoutout (thanks Laura and Jason!) and first podcast appearance this year (to be released in January) and that was quite the experience.
• of course, there are some downsides to this as I now have to seek out alternative sources for trail beta, but this is far outweighed by the fact i now am prompted to intently ask others how their run went instead of just creeping their activity log.  
• and the crowns!  i can't believe how much time i was wasting defending KOMs, local legends and other virtual gold star stickers.  
• and the badges!  for the longest time i was clocking at least 10k every weekday and 21.1k every weekend.  it's something i've reverted back to for active training, but removing the venue for this streak gave me the strength to do just whatever the fuck i wanted - namely more skinny skiing in the winter, and finally dipping my toes into gravel riding during the summer, but more importantly taking a break when my body told me to.  
• i didn't make a big deal out of it, but the first person to inquire about my disappearance was one of the least likely people to say something (given he didn't even live in Canada) and someone who i hadn't interacted with for 20 months.  funny how this works.  
• despite losing a fingertip to misadventure while skinny skiing in January, I told the world to go fuck right off and bought a baby grand piano.  i hadn't played in 12 years, but it was legit just like riding a bike (even with the need to learn to play with one short finger).  
• i think the one thing i needed more of in my first three decades of life was self-expression free of judgement, and space to be myself.  i'm so lucky i have the perfect instrument in the perfect house with perfect acoustics for this.  
• did it take a baby grand for me to realize this?  fuck no.  but i deserve better than a haunted church piano that doesn't match my hardwood floors.  and while running itself is inherently a form of self-expression - it's just not the same use of creativity or opportunity to learn something new every day.  
• there's a simple joy of being bad at things.  when you have a growth mindset, every minute i tickle the ivories is a success.  no stakes, no expectations, no past performances to judge yourself against.  less ego, more patience, and ridiculous laughter from the stupidest sense of humor. 
  
• oh, my hand's fine.  I took a couple months off the violin waiting for it to self amputate but am back to squeaky kitchen parties.  Nine finger chords on the piano are still a challenge on that hand because my nerves swell up when i hyper-extend, but for the most part this is not a thing that defines me.  
• i don't take many selfies anymore, but of the ones i do - i make them count, because i took up scrapbooking.  and that ink and paper costs money.  
• but that being said - i think for one to grow up, one does have to be more cognizant of what comes next.  toxic crutches and all.  
• i think i pissed off the running gods by taking a summer off to grind gravel, and lo behold i now have to run WSER and Hardrock 3 weeks apart.  it'll be quite the June/July.  
• should i finish both those races, i'll likely end up abandoning ultras (but not trails ) altogether to get into Boston.  
• who am i kidding, i'm probably gonna make the most of my thunder thighs  first and get into CX racing.  
• 200s were on my radar at one point - but not with a mortgage to pay.  instead i'll be crewing and pacing a good buddy at this all next year.  who knows, maybe i'll get hooked. 
  
• I spent most of my summer getting my gravel game on point, and while i'm not keen on entering a race - it's opened up my eyes to a lot of scenic places that don't revolve around single track.  there are certainly a lot of FSRs in BC that need to be explored. 

by the numbers:

• distance run: 4,018km
• elevation gained: 83,879m
• distance biked: 2,637km
• elevation gained: 24,549m
• distance classic skied: 164km
• elevation gained: 2,230m
• distance skate skied: 166km
• elevation gained: 2,107m
• active pairs of shoes at year end (vs. 2020)
• at work: 2 (-2)
• at home: 7 (+2)
• with Sheila: 3 (+1)

ultra races run:

1. Quicksilver 100k (October 23)

currently committed 2022 schedule:

• Western States: 25 June
• Hardrock: 15 July

last year's new year's resolutions:

1. live with intention.  it's getting there.  i've found it easier to say 'no' and put boundaries up, so i guess there's that.  
2. i dunno, finish Hardrock if it happens?  took a bye this year due to travel restrictions.
3. run around Berg Lake.  got flooded out the weekend i wanted to go.  

this year's new year's resolutions:

1. exit the never-ever pools at WSER and HR without DNF'ing
2. more adventures on my bike, but ideally after the above is done
3. avoid the hypervigilance.  yes it makes me good at what i do but it's extremely tiring.