obligatory year end 2019-by-the-numbers-and-other-stuff note

“Nowadays, curmudgeon is likely to refer to anyone who hates hypocrisy, can’t, sham, dogmatic ideologies, the pretenses and evasions of euphemism, and has the nerve to point out unpleasant facts and takes the trouble to impale these sins on the skewer of humor and roast them over the fires of empiric fact, common sense, and native intelligence. In this nation of bleating sheep and braying jackasses, it then becomes an honor to be labeled curmudgeon.”  

--Edward Abbey

(a little context for my new readers this year: for the last couple of years i've been aggregating unused thoughts that didn't make it into my race reports into a year-end catharsis.  most of these are ideas or discussions i had in a potentially-hallucinogenic stupor around mi75, but some of these are thoughts i had in a definitely-drunken stupor 13h into an aid station shift.  i hope you enjoy this stream of consciousness as much as I do when I am inevitably incapacitated with the man-cold or something.)

• finding meaning in the complexities of the day, believe in the beauty of your demons and patience/faith in the chaos.  to be introspective.
• to breathe through fear and put it towards intentions.  to celebrate being alive.
• in ray oldenburg's The Great Good Place, he mentions the necessity of having a place that's neither home or work but a neutral place where status and social rank don't matter--a place where people converse, is accessible by all and have regulars who give the place a playful and welcoming soul and character.  that's trail running to me.  sure, it gets tribal and discordant at time, but it's nice to know that there's a part of the world where we can all still just get along fine.  
• ironically enough, even after opening these posts the last few years the same way--i've been running for all the wrong reasons.  
• (but my knees are fine, thank you very much.)
• running's just a way to normalize being in the hole for me. 
  a way for me to feel normal and zufrieden amidst all the shittiness of the coordinated bedlam around me. 
  a way for me to rationalize that it's ok to be a hermit sometimes and go off into the woods chasing death without telling anyone when i'll be back or where i'm going. 
  a way to feel clarity and productivity without actually addressing the underlying problems at hand. 
  a way for me to keep myself going by always having something to look forward to, even at the cost of un-learning how to savor the moment and be mindful.  
• but it was necessary, because running was how i found my tribe. 
  how i started remembering to listen to my breathing.
  how i found other amazing, beautiful misfits with similar issues that told me i wasn't alone in all this bullshit.
  how i found someone special to constantly remind me to take it easy and be kind to myself.  someone who, despite all the darkness and solitude i craved for its feral simplicity, showed me that it's always better in the light and in the company of others.
• i've written less this year not because running doesn't mean as much to me anymore but rather because i'm living deeply and trying to live with a full and joyful heart.  
• i've tried to be more open and vulnerable, because i've realized i don't want to live a life suppressed by fear.  this blog just isn't my outlet of choice for that anymore.  
• sure, my life's much more complicated now, but that begets a meaningful life.  the key thing is that i'm following my bliss and recognizing what fulfills me. 
• i've realized that a lot of the best moments this year were not forced or planned out.  some moments are truly special solely because of their simplicity and lack of engineering--which goes against my historical behavior of planning every single summer weekend out in the dead of winter.   
• back in 2015, karl hoagland wrote that after you start ultrarunning, you improve for seven consecutive years and then catastrophically implode.  [citation seriously needed]  My first ultra was back in 2014, running the Calgary 50k and Trailstoke, Canadian Death Race, and Iron Legs within the hilarious span of six weekends.  Understandably I've been coming to terms with the inevitable and difficult process of losing my edge in the next 12-24 months.  
• I've been doing so by telling myself to broaden my horizon, and that this is just a small part of the big picture.  Whatever setbacks I inevitably experience won't matter as long as I keep ensuring that my life is meaningful and stable enough to ensure there's a future worth living for.  Stability does not necessarily beget boredom and certainty.    
• it's still a hard pill to swallow, but i'm starting to accept that i'm defined by how i do things and the attitude i bring to life, regardless of what the fuck happens.  not by physical tangible achievements.  
• "one day at a time" is employed by AA to make sobriety feel more palatable.  shrinking things to a daily task instead of a lifelong commitment makes certain things feel more within reach, no matter how routine.  obviously this isn't applicable in all situations, but when 'forever' just seems ridiculously abstract and conjures up shades of mortality, it's so much easier to reduce life to a practical and feasible idea.  it's so much easier to not maintain a certain feeling until the end of time, but rather wake up every morning and choose to live in a wide spectrum of manic emotions because in spite of any external factors you can't control--it's worth it.  
• in a weird paradoxical way, giving yourself the permission to bail at any time can also give you the motivation to commit.  
• i'm not as content as i should be and i'm ashamed that i don't really honor the life i have now.  perfection is a state of mind and not a destination, and as much as i love pushing my limits, control is merely an illusion. 
• chasing perfection is probably driven by someone's opinion that doesn't matter anymore (or never did).  there will always be haters and you will never be a taco.  it's a weirdly self limiting behavior.  
• I have a massive inferiority complex from how I was raised, and as such when I let people down I've always deferred to thinking it was a result of my shortcomings rather than their expectations.  lately I've realized that if you're honest about how much energy you have and throw some boundaries down, everybody ends up happier.  
• one of the lifelong problems i've accepted this year is that i keep downplaying my potential.  i've always been afraid of blinding everyone from brilliance rather than lighting everyone up with radiance.  
• even as I blow past folks during my timed events at hour 26 doing 5mph and they compliment me, i'll quickly retort that they're just more disciplined than me and playing the long game.  which is not necessarily untrue, but I hate that it's a reflex for me to downplay my talent. 
• this has the unfortunate side effect of occasionally downplaying others' potential too, which is absolutely fucking terrible.  getting rid of this reflex is harder than it should be.
• it's been tough, but letting go of the expectation to perform a certain way in order to be worthy has made me enjoy life a lot more.  
• yes i realize that is literally the definition of fun.
• as long as your body is willing, age is just a number. 
• which means that if you do it right, you only need one life and don't need to scream out YOLO ever.  
• there is a joy to missing out shit.  you suddenly identify what really doesn't matter in the long run and focus on what does.  
• running on a neverending treadmill of crafting your self-worth is literally the definition of missing out.  
• protip: gratitude and envy simply cannot coeexist.  
• one of my biggest flaws i've discovered this year is that i pretty much just listen solely to reply.  running timed events and trying to fight through the grind after 200k will teach you to listen to understand because you occasionally end up stuck with someone who just needs to vent and you can't get away from them--and that they teach you that sometimes just saying 'i hear you' is really all you need to do.  
• there is a difference between being the smartest one in the group, and the loudest.  
• another one of my biggest flaws is keeping my vacations as short as possible--pretty much by booking them on top of weekends from thursday/friday through mondays.  doing this takes away any opportunity to savor positive moments and i honestly feel like i don't know how to do that anymore.  

by the numbers (the Strava ones, because nothing else matters)

• distance run: 5655.5km
• elevation gained: 98216m
• time not spent playing with fire: 649h9m
• active pairs of shoes at year end:
• at work: 6
• at home: 7
• with Sheila: 4 (i think that's the maximum amount you can have before your car smells like death and/or people think you're deranged)

ultra races run:

1. Bighorn 100mi
2. 71st Annual Burro Days Pack Burro Race
3. Badgerland Strider 24h
4. Beebe Farm 48h
5. Endless Mile 48h
6. Fat Ox 48h

summit list (new additions in italics)

1. Sulphur Mountain (AB)
2. Gap Mountain (AB)
3. Yamnuska Mountain (AB)
4. Taipiti Ridge (AB)
5. Prairie Mountain (AB)
6. Moose Mountain (AB)

yup, that's all i done did since Hardrock was canceled.  

currently committed 2020 event schedule (volly gigs in italics)

1. 28 March: Run for L'Arche
2. 9 May: 5 Peaks Fish Creek 1
3. 30 May: Bryce 100mi
4. 6 June: Bend Beer Chase relay
5. 13 June: Tri4Evan
6. 27 June: K100
7. 4-5 July: Sinister 7 AS3a/4a/5b/6c
8. 17 July: Hardrock 100mi
9. 25 July: 5 Peaks Bowmont
10. 22 August: Lewiston Ultra/Moose Mountain
11. 12 September: 5 Peaks Canmore Nordic Center 2
12. 26 September: Lewiston Ultra/Sicamous
13. 3 October: 5 Peaks Bowness

last year's new year's resolutions

1. seriously, stop buying running shit you don't need: given my current stockpile and other personal priorities, i think this should be easier to do this year.  and maybe into 2020.  done. bought zero fucking shoes this year.  seriously, i was gifted ANY pair of shoes at Gord's following my stint at Iron Legs and I just gave that to someone else.  also fuck i wasted a lot of time sewing shit this year.  
• i totally may have bought a bunch of XC ski gear that could serve double duty with winter running though.  STILL DOESNT COUNT.
2. a goal race and a practice race: this isn't an excuse to slack off in preparation for hardrock but i'd like to spend less resources on traveling to races given other life priorities.  which means that there will probably be a 50k/100k practice run in my neck of the woods, followed by some more IHT, then bighorn, then hardrock.  no sweat.  fucked that one up big time.

new year's resolutions

1. cap my running below 5000kms on the year.  this seems like an asshole move because i know plenty of my readers would kill to be able to clock 5000km's a year, but let me tell you--it can be a dark place.  i'd like to stay out of that hole this time.  
2. unless someone requests i do it--only run new trails in the summer this year.  which means old favorites like Northover, Rockwall, Iceline will be relegated to the cupboard but this will hopefully broaden my horizon of my backyard.  
3. substantially more volunteer gigs.  seriously, as soon as hardrock is done i'm going to work on my list of heckles.  
• RD friends across the world: hit me up.  I don't care where you live.