obligatory year end 2018-by-the-numbers-and-other-stuff note

"I had a good uncle, my late Uncle Alex. He was my father’s kid brother, a childless graduate of Harvard who was an honest life-insurance salesman in Indianapolis. He was well-read and wise. And his principal complaint about other human beings was that they so seldom noticed it when they were happy. So when we were drinking lemonade under an apple tree in the summer, say, and talking lazily about this and that, almost buzzing like honeybees, Uncle Alex would suddenly interrupt the agreeable blather to exclaim, “If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.” 

So, I do the same now, and so do my kids and grandkids. And I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, “If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.”

--Kurt Vonnegut

(a little context for my new readers this year: for the last couple of years i've been aggregating unused thoughts that didn't make it into my race reports into a year-end catharsis.  most of these are ideas or discussions i had in a potentially-hallucinogenic stupor around mi75, but some of these are thoughts i had in a definitely-drunken stupor 13h into an aid station shift.  i hope you enjoy this stream of consciousness as much as I do when I am inevitably incapacitated with the man-cold or something.)

• I live a fairly scripted life, planning my schedule around a single goal race and then working backwards with shorter training races...coupled with weekends volunteering at other races.  And yet I have no idea where this will lead or how much longer I can do this for...but that's ok.  I've taken to going to bed without looking at the weather forecast for tomorrow's plans, and then subsequently having to wake up to a blanket of diamond dust or Stephen King-esque mist--but it's my way of making sure life has its way of showing me some magic from time-to-time.  I have colleagues who try way too hard to convince their children that I am a real person, and that my life is as magical as it sounds based on an ability to just ninja around to random places, doing extremely dumb shit.  While I'm grateful that's the kind of feedback I get, I'd rather my life be real (and by extension - I would like to appear less deranged).  
• we're taught to pathologically look for the greener grass, but this year someone made me realize that you can be discontent anywhere on earth.  and that sometimes your debauchery is bulldozing over perfectly green grass.  
• i guess i've kind of forgotten the grass is greener where you water it, and i've been consistently missing out on these moments by focusing on the next.
• i am still not a brand.  i am an actual person.
• i am not going to lie--i miss exploring the woods simply to blow my lungs out and cough up exploded alveoli.  it sucks to have that nagging thought in the back of my head telling me to go after crowns and other intangible things of no value.  this sport has always been slightly suicidal to me, but now it's a deliberate kind, full of conviction--one truly about dying.  
• to be successful does not warrant the need to continuously eclipse yourself thereafter.  i deliberately downplay my achievements because there's a narcissistic side of me that doesn't subscribe to this, and I prefer for that passenger to stay locked up.  
• in a truly twisted way, i partly blame the fact i haven't suffered a truly catastrophic event.  skill progression over these last four years has only increased the level of dumb in the shit that i do.  
• if you think about it, reason is just the voice of fear.  
• what i don't do is [try to] get faster.  i am of the opinion that speed is just a perception imposed by social construct to incentivize productivity or assert dominance and superiority.  And the denominator of time itself is a human construct created for efficiency and communication, even though we are bound to it in a finite sense.
• this finite sense carries a need to have a human appreciation for it.  
• acceptance is not passive resignation.
• i don't think i'm suicidal, but conversely i can't say that i mind not living.  therein lies the problem.  it's one thing to avoid being suicidal, but wanting to live is a completely separate endeavor.  
• I was at the dentist when the Hardrock lottery happened.  I had left my phone in my coat and when I returned to see all the congratulatory texts, I was neither scared or excited.  I want to believe that this was a conditioned response from the shitshow leading up to UTMB but i'm not quite sure of that.  
• as dark as this is, i also like to think of it as an acceptance that life can be lived without stoke.  enthusiasm can be bridled and the pursuit of experience can be complicated, and that's perfectly ok, because you can totally get burned out from stoke, which will just ruin your future adventures.  (see: every race report in 2015 i wrote after fat dog.)
• that being said, i don't think i appreciate these moments enough.  i don't think i need to feel guilty about the privilege of my dumb enchanted life and scream out "HASHTAG BLESSED" all the time, but at the same time i don't quite feel that i acknowledge the misfortune of others enough. 
• you can be un-shy and elusive at the same time because we all get mentally depleted.  emotional vulnerability requires space to recharge and to process emotions of the day or in some cases, weeks.
• to show the imperfection of a process is to show your vulnerabilities, which is why my highlight reel of a life looks so unreal.  but it isn't.  crafting these words, for one, is a year-long agony.  i'm still working on embracing the process, which is why you'll never see the vomit, blood, rejection, cops, rashes, bruises, scars, burro-shit-covered shoes, localized swelling, tears, pulling knives out of my back, or bloody-horseshit-covered shoes.  but hopefully one day i'll realize this world doesn't always judge me.   and one day i'll stop inadvertently showing everyone that the grass is greener on my side, because it isn't. 
• it's easier to find happiness in a world of hurt than when everything is awesome.  fun isn't fun when everything is fun all the time.  
• my current thought process: if you see the warts and all, then i'll have to explain it, and then i'll have to make an excuse to improve on something that i don't feel like committing to.  there's an insecurity with exposing those qualities which i don't feel is a part of my true identity. 
• my ideal thought process: life is for living, you colossal fucking idiot, and this blog will always just be a glimpse of the story.
• there are a few things this blog isn't intended to do.  it is not supposed to inspire awe.  it is not supposed to motivate you into inducing self-help in nature.  it is not supposed to tell you that there are happy endings to everything.  it is not supposed to be inspirational.  
• I went through Jan Redford's memoirs this year even though I am not a climber.  She focuses on the low points of her career instead of her accomplishments-- and I was glad she did that because those narratives are way more relatable when you're trying to endure the process and believe that the script you've written for yourself is the way to go.  
• don't chain yourself to the monuments of your failures.  anxiety and depression are probably not what you want to be known for.
• being stressed just means you care.
• after all these years, i'm convinced i only feel truly happy when i feel like i'm going somewhere.  
• in the sense that i am truly happy when i am progressing to a finish line, progressing in skill development, progressing towards goal races.
• also in the sense that once i leave my default realm of existence, i realize that 'holy shit i had it going pretty good already'.  
• i am pretty sure this was how religion was invented too.  
• i strongly believe impracticality is core to a fulfilling life.  
• the absolute, nonnegotiable necessity of the grind. The purity and sanctity of the goddamn slog.  that's why i do it.  
• each one strips me down to the core.  it reveals my mortality i refuse to acknowledge; the fear i refuse to succumb to.  the calm i crave.  the anger and excitement about my guilty pleasure.  
• every so often, a hiker i pass asks me what's the rush.  lately i've been deviating my replies from something that implies I can cover more distance than their sorry ass, to something that implies that i'm not strong enough to slow down and stop exhausting my potential.
• i keep forgetting this is a nine inning game.  
• we live in a convenience-oriented society that demands instant gratification, especially because no one lives the simple life anymore.  and sooner or later we will forget what adversity feels like, and what it means to truly earn something.  and we will also forget what it means to do something with unconditional conviction and no necessity for external feedback.  running long distances instead of hopping on the ol' horseless carriage, sometimes impulsively, is my way of keeping my sense of self-entitlement low, and my patience high.  
• i took another non-race related run-cation in may this year, and bagged four 14ers in just over 24h, without taking any summit selfies or telling more than twelve people ahead of time.  and magically, the sun rose again the next day when i came home. 
• i think i still use and wear shit from three seasons ago because they're analogs for how i want my life to play out--full of sentimental value, devoid of regretful experiences and completely stained with satisfaction.  

by the numbers (the Strava ones, because nothing else matters)

• distance run: 5252.6km / 3282.9 mi
• elevation gained: 121468m / 392341'
• time not spent playing with fire: 551h 52m
• active pairs of shoes at year end:
• at work: 8
• at home: 9
• with Sheila: 4

ultra races run:

1. EcoTrail Oslo 80km (May 26)
2. River of No Return 108k (June 16)
3. Tahoe Rim 100mi (July 21)
4. 70th Annual Burro Days 29mi Pack Burro Race (July 29)
5. UTMB (August 31)

summit list (new additions in italics)

1. Prairie Mountain (Alberta)
2. Sulphur Mountain (Alberta)
3. Tapiti Ridge (Alberta)
4. Mount Evans (Colorado)
5. Grays Peak (Colorado)
6. Torreys Peak (Colorado)
7. Mount Bierstadt (Colorado)
8. East End of Rundle (Alberta) 
9. Ha Ling Peak (Alberta) 
10. Vettekollen (Oslo)
11. Powderface Ridge (Alberta)
12. Sunrise Hill (Alberta)
13. Ramshorn Mountain (Idaho)
14. Marlette Peak (Nevada)
15. Herlan Peak (Nevada)
16. Cerro de la Sarten (Spain)
17. Coyote Peak (California) 
18. Unnamed hill on the east side of Casa de Campo (Spain)
19. Unnamed hill on the west side of Casa de Campo (Spain)

current 2019 event schedule (volly gigs in italics)

1. 14 June: Bighorn 100mi 
2. 6/7 July: Sinister 7 AS3a/4a, 5b/6c
3. 19 July: Hardrock 100mi

last year's new year's resolutions:

1. the guerilla aid station.  now that i have a vehicle that doesn't give a fuck about approach angles, i'd like to give this idea a shot--find a single-stage backcountry ultra with a fairly long unsupported section over public land, drive Sheila up to a spot on the course about halfway between aid stations, then set up my own a pop-up aid station.  in lieu of available egress for DNFs, we'd have pot brownies instead.  for a good part of the year, i was under the belief that i would move to Spain so I didn't action this.  but i'm no longer sure this is possible up here in alberta given the quality of races/aid station spacing up here.
2. in accordance to #1, seriously stop buying running shit and pimp out Sheila instead such that she's basically a single-vehicle aid-station-in-a-box (cargo basket-mounted awning, skid plate, lift kit, etc.).  I broke last year's attempt because I didn't have the necessary shoes for the technical shit involved with the triple crown, but I truly believe I have something for everything now except for cold-weather, which i don't expect to need that for a long time.  for a good part of the year, i was under the impression i would move to spain so i started stocking up on kit in anticipation of european prices. i should be good for two whole years now.  
1. secondary objective: emergency shoe purchases (there better be a fucking good reason like "I accidentally ran on a giant palm sander for 5k in my Salomon Wings") will not exceed more than $50CAD per pair.  hell naw, i wasted no expense on UTMB
3. improve my burro handling skills.  maybe finish in the top 50 percentile this time.  so.  fucking.  close.
4. finish the fucking Quad.  it would be good UTMB training.  didn't even try
5. finish either SCAR, Backbone Trail or the Zion Traverse.  (anyone?)  NPS told me Zion would be closed at Lee Pass =\
6. finish either High Rockies or Skyline or both.  (anyone?) done both
7. more trail friends.  should be doable, given i have to train my stomach for all the meat and cheese of UTMB so i'll be likely running with baguettes and wine too during the summer done
1. secondary objective: tame a grizzly bear while training for UTMB.  close but her cubs were watching

this year's new year's resolutions

1. seriously, stop buying running shit you don't need: given my current stockpile and other personal priorities, i think this should be easier to do this year.  and maybe into 2020.  
2. a goal race and a practice race: this isn't an excuse to slack off in preparation for hardrock but i'd like to spend less resources on traveling to races given other life priorities.  which means that there will probably be a 50k/100k practice run in my neck of the woods, followed by some more IHT, then bighorn, then hardrock.  no sweat.